Dear Huckleberry is an advice column aiming to use a bit of sound advice to nurture healing and Dear growth, while hopefully making you laugh a little too. This column is not a substitute for working with a licensed counsellor. Please seek professional help if you are struggling.

Good Dr. Huckleberry, I’m your new patient and this is my story. As I was beginning my last year of college, there was this girl working as a TA for one of my classes. We were just friends at that time, but after getting to know her more I started to like her and I could tell she liked me too. To be honest, I wasn’t really interested in a serious relationship. I mean, it’s not like I go around jumping from girl to girl, but I definitely don’t like to be tied down, and she is definitely the kind of girl that anchors you. So as soon as the relationship began to feel more serious, I started acting like a player around her, interested one day and cold and distant another day, for about a month until her birthday party, when I just cranked the jerk-meter to a thousand and made out in her bedroom with her roommate. Needless to say, she doesn’t want to see my face unless it’s on a target for shooting practice. I came to the islands for the holidays, and around Christmastime I found out that she started dating another guy and forgot about me. But the thing is, now I know what I lost and can’t stop thinking about her! I just want to go back in the game and have the chance for a rematch. I’m going back soon, and I don’t know how to convince her to give me another chance; any advice is welcomed.

You, my dear, sure have mastered the art of shooting yourself in the foot, but I’m not judging! It’s a human trait to find ways of sabotaging ourselves and giving in to unconscious fears. We repeat the cycle over and over until we understand which fears are sitting at the wheel of our actions, and proactively regain control of them.

For ethical and legal reasons I am not here acting as a doctor (although I appreciate the vote of faith that comes with that title), so I won’t address you as my patient, but as a fellow human in need of a new perspective. So this is mine.

I know we have been taught that relationships are to be approached like a game, and at some points in life the pressure, expectations and overall stakes can make it feel as such. But if you are going to play, at the very least make sure you are playing the same game.

You didn’t lose, and you don’t need a rematch for the championship title. You were playing Yahtzee while she was playing chess, and while I won’t say you didn’t act in a wrong way and hurt her, you were just playing the game you knew with the skills you had for it.

Now you tell me you want to play chess too? That any game is good as long as you play with her? That’s good, change is always good. But I won’t lie to you, you are going to have to learn a whole new set of moves just to have the chance to sit at a table with her again. And it’s going to take time, so before you go trying to get your second shot, be honest with yourself if this is what you really want, because although relationships can feel like a game the reality is they are not; in the end they are just an expression of our own assertiveness to ask for what we want, and our belief that we deserve to get it.

Dear Huckleberry, about four months ago I broke up with my girlfriend. The main reason was because she started acting weird around one of her guy friends. Usually I’m not a jealous guy, but I trust my instincts and if things don’t add up I won’t sit around while someone makes a fool of me. The first red flag was her “forgetting” (sarcastic air quotes) to tell me that they had lunch together while I was off island, and saw him again at a party a week later. There is nothing wrong with that, but when I asked her about it, first she said she didn’t know what I was talking about, and when I kept pressing her she admitted it and got defensive, saying that I’m controlling and jealous. The last straw happened two days before we broke up. It was a Friday night and I was calling her to meet up, but she wasn’t answering her phone. I kept trying for about two hours until I finally decided to just make plans with my boys. Honestly, I was pretty angry at her for standing me up, but I actually enjoyed hanging out with my friends until I got a drunken voice message from her around 2am, apologizing for being MIA all night. I offered to pick her up from wherever she was, and that’s when it slipped that he drove her home already. That was it. My gut tells me that I did the right thing by breaking up, and that she was definitely cheating on me, but truth is I have proof of nothing and this could just be my insecurities getting the best of me. She has been asking for a chance to explain, but it’s like if I overlook something that is there, I’m an idiot. And if I destroy my relationship over something that isn’t there, I’m an idiot. I just don’t know what I should do.

Dear, you are not an idiot, we are always faced with these kinds of choices. It’s part of being vulnerable; the not knowing if those we trust are worth said trust is what makes a relationship feel real. So cut yourself some slack, you don’t have to make any decisions right at this moment. Right now just take the time to enjoy new beginnings, go have fun with your friends again, keep getting to know yourself.

I am a big believer that we always know what to do when we listen to ourselves. So you listening to your gut is a big thing, but most importantly you questioned if your gut was the only thing to listen to when you realized your insecurities could be playing tricks on you.

All the situations that brought you to the decision to end your relationship are unimportant. What matters is that with each one of those moments you felt something; maybe it was just a painful sting, but the stings kept coming and building up, so it doesn’t really matter if she was having an affair or not. What matters is you were getting hurt.

Look, I don’t know if you were right or wrong, and maybe she does deserve to say her piece. And maybe you two deserve a second chance at love after clearing things up, but if I know one thing, it’s that all of us doubt ourselves so much that sometimes we lose the ability to intuitively know what is best for us. So, whatever you choose to do from here forward, you found your inner voice and listened to it when you needed to, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Have a letter you would like to submit for consideration? Email  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or send mail to Dear Huckleberry ℅ Haida Gwaii Trader, PO Box 313, Port Clements, BC V0T 1R0