Dear Huckleberry is an advice column aiming to use a bit of sound advice to nurture healing and Dear growth, while hopefully making you laugh a little too. This column is not a substitute for working with a licensed counsellor. Please seek professional help if you are struggling.

Dear Huckleberry, you can call me Ghost. I have become the ghost of the people I’ve lost, the dreams that are gone, and the woman I was supposed to be. Life, choices, and a truck-load of un-resolved baggage have taken away chunks of me, leaving just this carcass that is lost, confused, battling addictions, depression and my own cynicism about my purpose in this world. Don’t bring out the straight jacket! I’m in therapy and on some medica-tion that is helping with the day to day struggles. I’m not here for the “you need help” pitch, instead I just need one of your famous metaphors so I can hold onto it through my healing process. Maybe too much to ask, but I’ve read your column enough to know I wouldn’t task anyone else with this challenge.

Dear Ghost, I’m honoured to take on this task and maybe give you a space in the world, right in between my words, where you give yourself permission to let go of all this life story you have been dragging along with you. But I’m sorry to say you got it wrong, my dear. You are not a ghost, in fact you are more alive than most people I’ve met. I see you, I see the aftermath of every time your heart was broken, I feel the sadness and the anger you hold against yourself, and I hear the echoes of your screams begging for help since the first piece of you shattered until the moment you finished writing to me. You are most definitely not a ghost, but you are surrounded by them.

Picture a big, beautiful apple tree in the middle of a garden. When it was first planted there the tree was just a twig without a clue of its purpose in this life or the adversities it would face to fulfill said purpose. But it didn’t matter, the twig started growing and suddenly it had leaves. In the beginning those leaves seemed like everything this twig could dream of, and it held tightly to them until one day it wasn’t a twig anymore but had grown into a tiny tree, so green and full of life. The tiny tree thought, “This is it, this is who I’m meant to be.” What the growing tree didn’t know was that just like there are seasons to grow there are seasons to lose, and autumn came as it always does... The tree watched the wind ripping its leaves right off its branches, and those it managed to keep started losing their green colour, inevitably dying…The tree was naked and confused of its purpose once again. And when it felt it couldn’t feel more sad or more defeated, winter came.

It took this tree some time to understand that in order to grow and bring to life newer, brighter and greener leaves it had to let go of the others, that only going through the seasons would allow for not only leaves to grow on it, but beautiful, colourful apples too. And the tree knew that someday it would have to let go of those apples too, no matter how much it loved them, or how much it hurt to let them fall. It also took the tree some time to learn that the winter, although cold and lonely, was the time it needed to reflect and say goodbye to what was gone, and that by the time the snow was gone, so were the fallen leaves and apples.

Look around you, dear. Are the carcasses of everything you’ve lost still in sight? If so give it time, winter will come…But if they are not, and it’s only the ghosts you are holding onto, just remember this - new things are coming for you too, spring is just around the corner, you too have permission to grow, you have the right to let go.

Dear Huckleberry, over the years I’ve had several close relationships with people I dearly loved. Each one proclaimed a genuine and deep love for me as well. As much as I’ve tried to think outside the box as far as love partnerships go, I keep coming back to the truth that I’m a pretty old-fashioned person. I really dig romance and friendship. Don’t get me wrong, good sex is great, but, especially as I get older, it only represents a small part of what I most enjoy in a relationship. On my side, I thought that as long as I was honest, hard working, caring, affectionate, compassionate, decent in the sack, an attentive listener, showed genuine interest in my mate’s hobbies, did my part around the house, contributed financially, gave ample space for my mate to do what they like to do and be respectful to their friends and family, well, all that was the stuff of a good companion. And yet, each one of these people chose the emotional and sexual attentions of one or more other people and then proceeded to lie about it. Fine. This day and age, I get that monogamy is not for everyone. I am a firm supporter of people being true to whatever lifestyle works for them, so long as nobody is getting hurt. Have fun. Be happy. But why the lies? If a person wishes to be single and have several noncommittal relationships, why not just do that? Why enter into a relationship with a person who clearly stated that monogamy is something they wanted and valued?– Old-fashioned and Confused

Dear Old-fashioned and confused, I hear you loud and clear, “the game” is rigged! But that’s the problem, isn’t it? That we live in a world where relationships are played as games, where playing by the rules doesn’t lead to winning and where those you think are your teammates turn out to be your opponents. Believe me, playing like this you have a better chance at winning playing the slot machines at the casino!

So lets start with your question, why the lies? Objectively, there are many reasons why people lie and cheat when they are in a good loving relationship, but usually it can be boiled down to feeling undeserving and fearing being discovered not good enough. I’m not saying that all lies and all deceptions will go away with some quick boost to fragile egos; that is a work each person has to do for themselves. What I am saying is that your ex-partners didn’t lie to you or cheat on you. They cheated themselves out of a relationship with you because of their own insecurities. They lied because only a fool will lose something so good without at least trying to hold on to it, even if they are not ready for the commitment and love you give and deserve in return.

Now to you, Old-fashioned and Confused. Your approach to love seems great, like you already have the secret recipe for an amazing relationship. However, there is a kink in your armour... Fear. A fear of rejection that pushed you to become the person who offers the best relationship prospect; who else could they choose that gives as much as you? And a fear of abandonment that pushed you to give without asking for the same level of commitment in return. These unconscious truths are not your fault and there is little you can do about them, but what you have to remind yourself is that no matter how good your love is, not everyone will feel deserving of it and you have a responsibility to yourself to make sure whatever sweet love you give, you will get back.

And there it is, a play by play of the game. You gave because you were so sure of how much you had to give, but the person on the receiving end was already not sure of themselves or of deserving your love. And still, you gave. Your heart will heal in time, and because that’s what giving hearts do, it will find someone new to love again. Be as old-fashioned as you like, with all the sugar you add to it... Sooner or later, you will be playing this game for the last time.

Have a letter you would like to submit for consideration? Email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or send mail to Dear Huckleberry ℅ Haida Gwaii Trader, PO Box 313, Port Clements, BC V0T 1R0