I was one of those people who didn’t have to change a darn thing when the pandemic hit. I even had a huge supply of toilet paper. I think it might be a local thing. Living on Haida Gwaii means that when you go away, you stock up coming back.

I never really socialized for the last thirty years. Unless you count the time when I was briefly single, and I don’t really talk about that. My only real buddies were/are my children. But there’s something else I want to talk about. Mental health. It still isn’t really spoken about in a real way. It’s a hard cross to bear for the person suffering and those close to them. I’m bipolar, and I can be hard to love or understand. The panic and paranoia I experience each day is so tiring and heart-breaking. Any kind of pressure or disappointment is exacerbated by this illness. I feel shame that I need medication, but without it I would be awake for days before heading into psychosis. Hence the unwillingness to talk about the time I was single. It was a low mania time. Meaning I was full of energy but not in the best headspace.

I never really braved any type of outing since I usually tackled stuff alone.

I had to pick when I would try to battle the anxiety. The few exceptions were to dance or to try out some ill-advised comedy routines. The gift of making people laugh saves me. I just go somewhere else when I talk or write about my lot in life. I jot things down to think about after. Even sad moments can bring humor; it helps to be a bit warped and sarcastic. I volunteer to be awkward and sometimes it pays off, although if anyone says something about an upcoming performance, I deny that it is happening. I want and don’t want people to be there.

I love to dance! The amazing workout and the smiling people around you can be so exhilarating. It’s been a few years since I went to Skidegate Days dances, because of the pandemic and maybe laziness on my part. But I found that when I walked in and sat alone, the world didn’t end. I even had a few people say hello. I found it entertaining and managed to laugh out loud a few times.

Recovery can look like many things. Dancing and laughing are pretty powerful against the foibles of life. If you have gifts, use them even if you doubt yourself. You never know how much it will help you and those around you.