Dear Huckleberry is an advice column aiming to use a bit of sound advice to nurture healing and Dear growth, while hopefully making you laugh a little too. This column is not a substitute for working with a licensed counsellor. Please seek professional help if you are struggling.

Dear Huckleberry,

So, I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of years now; he is great, has a good job, a great sense of humor, amazing in bed, and overall, a really kind person to everyone… but when it comes to me he can be a jerk sometimes.

Basically, the message I’m constantly getting is whatever you do it’s not enough, whatever effort you are putting in it’s not being seen, and whatever credit or gratitude you are expecting is not deserved.

And whenever I talk to him about how I feel he says I’m putting words in his mouth or that I’m exaggerating.

And he may be right; all I know is that I love this guy… the good times are floating on clouds kind of good, but I just can’t make him understand that he is hurting me.

- Unseen and Hurting

Dear Unseen and Hurting,

What you’re experiencing is actually a form of emotional abuse called “gaslighting” which is when one person repeatedly denies, ignores or minimizes the other person’s efforts, thoughts, opinions, hurt feelings, worries or desires. (The term comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight” starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, in which the husband tries to distort his wife’s perception of reality.)

Variants of gaslighting can take place in the best relationships. In some cases, those doing the gaslighting don’t acknowledge there’s a problem, and if there is, the problem is you.

Gaslighting can have many masks, depending on the person and the situation, but it always ends up sending the message that the gaslighter’s suffering, efforts, thoughts and feelings are the only ones that count. If you’re upset over it you’re crazy, you’re exaggerating and/or you’re to blame. In some cases, gaslighters may not even know that what they’re doing is abusive, because it’s a learned manipulation technique.

The cold hard truth is, none of us can change or control other people’s words, actions or perceptions about us. What we do have authority over are the principles and guidelines that we set for ourselves.

For example, if you’re hearing a storm, walking in puddles and feeling drops falling from the sky, it doesn’t matter if everyone around you tells you it’s not raining – you’re getting wet! What you feel is real, and if you’re not okay with it, it’s your right to get an umbrella.

What I’m trying to say is that we cannot change the way people around us justify their words and/or actions. But, if we tell them what they are doing is hurting us, they can choose to either change on their own or work with us to find a win/win solution. I know you love him, so much so that you’ve been willing to compromise yourself to accommodate his repeated dismissals of what you say, think and feel.

So, what to do? Love yourself first. Own your feelings. Value and protect your time, space and energy by calmly, clearly but firmly letting him know what your limits and needs are. This is the underpinning of any healthy relationship.

If this love is authentically reciprocated, he will find a way to help you feel emotionally safe and he will value your autonomy just as much as he values his own.