Dear Huckleberry is an advice column aiming to use a bit of sound advice to nurture healing and Dear growth, while hopefully making you laugh a little too. This column is not a substitute for working with a licensed counsellor. Please seek professional help if you are struggling.

Dear islanders, after taking a nice summer break I decided to come back strong and tackle an issue I keep seeing in your letters, all over social media, and with my own friends – toxic relationships. Yes, I’m talking about those people who make you wonder if you might be better off moving to a faraway location away from all their drama and conflict. And yes, I’m also talking about us, when we bring our poor communication skills and emotional baggage, using them as weapons against people we love.

We all know someone who is toxic. We love them, we hate them, and if you can’t point at one, the toxic one might be you!

A few signs you might be in a toxic relationship:

• They can’t enjoy seeing you succeed or even try to support you when you need them most.
• They show controlling and jealous behaviour and try to turn their own insecurities into your problem and fault.
• You feel afraid to talk about your problems with them, because they always feel under attack as soon as you express your feelings.
• You are constantly criticized, insulted, accused or blamed for situations where both parts had a hand in the making.
• They use the relationship as hostage every time you have an argument, and will threaten to destroy it just to come out on top in the fight.
• Life is all about them – their ambitions, struggles, and what they deserve. They just need their ego stroked while you don’t factor into the story. Their promises to you, their commitments, and what you deserve and expect don’t matter to them at all.
• And so on...

These are just a few of the things you might encounter in a toxic relationship. Although it’s important to understand something about what to watch out for, there’s no need to go over every single trait or flaw a toxic person will show throughout a relationship, as each person’s behaviour can be so different, and derived from different mindsets (narcissism, insecurity, anger issues, etc).

Instead I want to talk about what we can do to prevent ourselves from allowing a toxic relationship to run over our lives, and learn to take responsibility for the boundaries we set so we can stop being victims of those relationships.

Let me start by saying that we have all been in that toxic boat. Perhaps with a selfish friend, a controlling parent or boss, a jealous coworker, or an abusive partner. We all ignored the same advice to walk away. We heard the alarms and sirens going off, we saw the “DANGER, CLIFF AHEAD!” signs and we are all still wondering why we ever accept any treatment that we don’t deserve. There is no shame to it, only a learning experience.

So, what can we learn? For starters, imagine you are on a first date or feeling that first spark of connection, laughing and talking with this new and attractive person in your life. Are you thinking about how that person is going to really traumatize you to the point of losing all trust and desire for another human being? Probably not, right? Because at those stages of falling in love, it doesn’t matter if it seems like we are in the middle of a parade of red flags, we will close our eyes and cover our ears because we can only pay attention to the void in our lives they are filling, tricking us into looking past bad behaviours that we wouldn’t normally tolerate.

Truth is, it will always be too late by the time you realize exactly how toxic someone is to you, so just put down your Sherlock Holmes rookie detective kit. Your goal is not to suspect and analyze every single person you meet, trying to determine whether they are toxic, nor to analyze yourself at every turn to check your own levels of toxicity. The key is setting definitive boundaries that will apply to yourself and others in every situation. No exceptions.

Oftentimes I will see a person who claims to have set boundaries about honesty and respect in their relationship. However, I will see them push and blur the lines of said boundaries to allow someone they like to still fit into their illusion of who they want them to be instead of facing the reality of who they are. “It was just one time.” “He didn’t mean to hurt me.” “That’s just the way she is.” “I love him as he is.” Ringing any bells? We’ve all said similar things to ourselves and others.

To set healthy, effective boundaries, I want you to imagine a list of static, unchanging standards for how you will treat others and how you expect to be treated by anyone in your life, from your neighbours, the server at a restaurant, your employer and coworkers, your family and your partner. Do you expect honesty, respect, and admiration? Do you have a standard for quality time spent together, or for receiving affection with words or gifts? Is it a standard for you to be able to express your feelings and opinions freely?

Having some clear expectations about how you want to be treated DOES NOT equal neediness, and you have an inherent human right to ask for what you want in life. This list of boundaries is your responsibility. That means it’s your job to enforce it, to let others know that this is what you have to offer but is also what you expect. Nothing less. What works actually takes work. Be willing to say “no” to the red flags as soon as your “spidey sense” feels them. Work on you, so that you live up to the standard you expect and deserve from others and yourself.

Toxic people will still come and go in your life, but at some point you will see which ones are respecting your boundaries, and which ones are trying to push them or dismiss them. Sooner than later the red flags will be easier to spot, and easier to kick out of your life. Because dear ones, we cannot control whether or not we get bit by a snake; the only thing we can do is be prepared to suck the venom out as fast as we can and learn from each bite.

Have a letter you would like to submit for consideration? Email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or send mail to Dear Huckleberry ℅ Haida Gwaii Trader, PO Box 313, Port Clements, BC V0T 1R0